I've been transformed about a year and a half now. And although God has chosen to use me to minister across the country, I still struggle with sin. Now don't get me wrong, it's not the blatant, consistent, sin acts. But the. More intricate, not so easy to recognize type of sin.
I PRAY SOMEONE CAN RELATE....
I struggle with authority. Always have... But the more I grow to know Christ, the more I understand that I have completely failed in this area.
The bible says: ".... Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will insure judgment." Romans 13:2
Growing up, I was a fighter... Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I always had to fight. I have four brothers, three of which are older, and I grew up fighting their battles, fighting them, and even fighting my dad. I'm still haunted by the childhood memory of me physically hitting my dad while being disciplined. I remember thinking "Maybe if I fight back he wouldn't punish me anymore" yet, the minute I struck him I felt disgusted with myself. My anger had gone too far, and I knew I had made a mistake. We've never talked about it since and I pray he forgives me... I was very rebellious.. I questioned authority, resented my parents authority, and moved out from under their authority the minute I saw an opportunity.
MY PAST IS FINALLY CATCHING UP TO ME...
My church and I have just completed a 21 day fast and during that fast I've asked God to deliver me of my insecurities. I expected Him to do so. And I wasn't ready to face who He showed me that I was.
He showed me my attitude. Raw and uncut. He showed me my sense of false measure. He showed me my pride and how it enticed me to rebel even when I knew I was wrong. He showed me just how humble I wasn't. He showed me.... Me. The me I hid from Facebook posts and Instagram pictures. The me that hid my sin behind a bible instead of allowing the bible to expose it.
HE INTRODUCED ME TO TIANA, AND I HATE HER.....
I hate her with everything in me. From her vain, envious bent character, to her "class clown" behavior. I hate her lack of understanding when she's upset. Her unwillingness to submit if she doesn't feel respected. Her manipulating ways, and little "white" lies that she completely tries to justify. I hate her, I've never hated someone do much. I hate her perverse sense of humor, her lack of self discipline and control, her "victim" mentality. I hate her almost as much as I Hate satan. And I never understood her....
BUT GOD LOVES HER...
And I can't understand why. He won't give up on her. He won't let her die in her ugly sin. He won't let her live just any type of way. He didn't let her die along with her late live-in boyfriend. He didn't let her become the promiscuous woman she desired to be. He didn't let her go to jail for stealing. He didn't let her get pregnant when she wanted to... He didn't let her serve the devil even when she clearly didn't love Him. He gave her life. And I can't understand why...
CAN I PLEASE BE HONEST....
I am afraid of Tiana.... I fear she will ruin my life. I fear she will kill me. I fear she will run off the very people who love me. I fear she will give up on God and run back into the arms of satan. I fear she isn't really Christian. I fear she will corrupt every pure heart that comes in contact with her. I fear she will not have an abundant life. Honestly... I fear exposing her to you all... And I fear she will refuse to die...
TIANA MUST DIE....
As hard as I try to kill her, she clings to her life. She's a fighter, and she won't go down without a fight. She's giving me a run for my money... My back is against the wall. I want life, I want peace, I want Jesus. But she wants the world. She's had it for 22 years, and she won't let it go. I need help! I've never needed more help in my life.
LET ME BE HONEST......
My name is Tiana, I am a prideful, insecure, rebellious, self condemning, doubtful, fearful woman. I am ashamed of who I really am. I am embarrassed of who I really am. And I'm clinging to the world. I want to die to my flesh. And the bible tells me that I need to confess..
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" 1 John 1:9
So here is my confession. Please pray for me. God still loved mr and I don't even love myself.. But He called me, and I won't give up... Tiana may be a fighter... But greater is He that is in me.. Than he that is in the world. (1 John 1:4)
Please pray.... Thank you and God bless....
Tiana, I myself have no words of encouragement, BUT, I do know The WORD of GOD has more comfort and encouragement than any man can give. I hope these scriptures set your heart and mind at ease. GOD bless you, your Auntie Alondra
ReplyDeleteRomans 7
14 For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.
15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
16 If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
17 Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
20 Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
21 I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
22 For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
Romans 8
1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
9 But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.
10 And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.
11 But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.
15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:
17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
27 And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
30 Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.
31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
AWESOME ! Omg I don't really know you. But girl let me tell you GOD git you where you need to be. Keep your eyes on him and you'll continue to affect others lives greatly!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for you testimony
This is so me. . . I feel like I was writing this. . . My only step is what is the next step. . . Where do I go from here. . .
ReplyDelete