I am yours, and You are mine....

Listen to Hillsong United- Oceans (Where feet may fail)
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Immediate regret is the emotion I felt at its greatest level when my body hit the cool, dark waters of the Balearic Sea. As we walked along the beach to our destination, I did everything I could to prepare myself mentally for what I had committed to. With two girls I have literally known a week, who barely made conversation with me, I decided to full on engage in conversation with my Lord and savior. Right before my roommate was about to jump in, I yelled intently, "Aren't we gonna pray?"

"You wanna pray?" was the response I got that honestly had me second guessing if I were actually walking with my Bible School classmates or newfound strange acquaintances.

"Heck yeah I wanna pray! Why wouldn't we?" two shrugs, simultaneously, was all I got.

I proceeded to pray the most intimate prayer to let God know I was extremely nervous, but dedicated to trust Him, said Amen, and watched my roommate jump in. I chickened out of jumping second, and when my time came, I quickly said another prayer and the next thing I knew, I couldn't see my feet, and I sure as heck didn't want to.


A few days ago, I was introduced to a beautiful, intimate worship song called Oceans (Where feet may fail) by Hillsong United, and I had been playing it on repeat any chance I got. This morning, I literally lived it. As I was starting my journey across the Balearic Sea, with two people who I felt could care less about my comfort and more about their physical goals to reach, it hit me that this was going to not only be a physical challenge, but a Spiritual one as well.

The first verse of the song says:

“You call me out upon the waters
the great unknown where feet may fail
and there I find you in the mystery
in oceans deep
my faith will stand"

Yesterday I walked along the shoreline, listening to this amazing song, and smiled knowing I had committed to believing in God to get me to Spain for bible school. When the lyrics said: "My faith will stand" I honestly felt proud at my faith in Him. I felt like I had done something to get here, like I was involved in His miracle. Yet as I struggled trying not to swallow salt water, I had a hard time locating my faith. I couldn't stand, and could barely float, and I panicked.

Now, at this point, my classmates had drifted some distance ahead of me as I was dealing with the fear that I would hyperventilate and die, or be eaten by a shark. I did my best to call out that they should wait for me but there was some level of water between my breath and realization that this may have been a bad idea. I swam as close to them as possible which didn't seem close enough, as thoughts of doubt and fear crept in. I started to beg for them to stay near me. As the fear settled in my throat, and I begged, I was shocked at the sound of my own voice. Who was this person? Why did she sound so lost, so stressed, so out of control. I didn't have much time to think or even acknowledge the humility that was at display for all to see. I was in the middle of the Sea and I was scared. I couldn’t see my feet and the sun had not fully risen yet. I wanted to cry, but there was already so much I had to do to stay afloat.

I honestly thought I was a decent swimmer, so when the opportunity came to swim across the sea, my pride spoke before my mind could back out. I've always been the type to take on a challenge. Two years ago, I jumped off a 50 foot cliff into a body of freezing water, bruised my back and made plans to one day do it again. So swimming across the sea didn't seem so impossible. So, as I was breathlessly demonstrating how, in fact, NOT to swim, I called out for Jesus. My classmate advised me to swim on my back for a while to catch my breath. I did so, and while I was attempting to rest, and stay afloat, I heard a familiar voice. "They're planning to leave you." Satan took the opportunity to let himself in the door of fear that I unintentionally opened. "Wait for me!" I immediately flipped back on my front side and began to swim as fast as possible while taking in more salt water. "We're not gonna leave you" my roommate managed as she tried to float in place watching my pathetic antics to reach her.

The next verse of the song goes:

"And I will call upon your name
and keep my eyes above the waves
when oceans raise
my soul will rest in your embrace
for I am yours and you are mine"

Where was my faith? I started to speak life over the situation even though I was still panicking. "Jesus! You said you would never leave me, nor forsake me. You won't put on me more than I can bare, you are my strength when I am weak!" Instantly I felt a peace. I tried to maintain it, but the enemy had not left yet. At this point my classmates were backstroking and watching me. I attempted to rest on my back again, and heard him loud and clear. "They're getting farther away from you, you’re not going to make it" I felt myself sinking and flipped back on my front side taking in a mouthful of water. "I need you to stay by me, PLEASE" What was going on??? Here I am calling out for my roommate to help me, who, just last night got on my nerves when requesting that I make sure to pick up after myself. My attitude last night was slightly visible. Ok, it was pretty bad; I immediately shut down, and ignored her as much as I could. Answering her questions with short, faint answers, and keeping my headphones on. Now, I needed her guidance more than ever and I was fearful of her response.

To my surprise, she guided me, almost like I was a toddler, across the sea. Coaching me, encouraging me, and even comforting me, singing children worship songs and trying to take my mind off the bottomless sea and on the beautiful sunrise, shinning, and showing a snipped of God's glory.

The next part of the song goes:

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
your sovereign hand
will be my guide
where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
you’ve never failed and you won't start now"

Here I am, a pathetic mess, needing the help of my younger, blonde sister in Christ, that I considered an acquaintance earlier in this post, being guided in the deepest waters, and what did I find? Grace. God's grace in the middle of the sea. I didn't deserve her help, I didn't deserve her guidance, I definitely didn't deserve her comfort, but I got it. And it wasn't even spiteful. But a pure response from my sister who God placed me in the care of for me to learn the valuable lesson and share with you all.

The next part of the song goes:

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

So, more than half way there, and about 30 minutes in, I found God's grace, and display of His spirit guiding me when I least deserved it. "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me", I am reminded of Peter (Matthew 14:22-33). Peter had the opportunity to walk upon the waters towards Jesus. Standing a few feet before our Lord, he got to look Him in the eye, the one who gave His life for us, for me. A prideful, sinner, who put her foot in her mouth last night at our dorm room meeting. Peter looked Jesus in the eye, and took a step off the boat. "Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander" now, on the water, Peter is well aware that he is witnessing, and participating in a miracle. He is standing on water, walking towards Jesus. As he takes a step in faith, he looks around at the present situation: The strong winds, the dark waters, the loud thunder and he started to sink. "And my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my savior" Then Jesus out stretches His hand and he saves him. Peter, who had faith enough to step out on the water from the comfort of His boat, but not enough to keep His focus on Jesus. Tiana, a girl who had enough faith to believe God, sell everything she owned and move to Spain, then entertain the thought that God would allow her to die in her ignorant, prideful ways. Not having confidence that He would finish the Good work he started in me. (Philippians 1:6) I began to slip. I lost sight of my faith, and I heard the enemy loud and clear. And even though I doubted God, He still engulfed me as like the sea, with His grace. His faithfulness to never leave me, nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6), His comfort, his mercy, His love.



I managed to hold on to the rail as I crawled out of the Balearic Sea, legs weak, pride crushed, and humbled beyond means. Hearing the echo of the song I’ve recently etched into my memory and my heart, “And my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my savior” I thanked my classmates awkwardly for not leaving me, went back to my room, praised God, took a shower, and waited for the holy spirit to fall on me, which left me a broken wreck. Realizing all the pride, arrogance, and humiliation all at once, forced me to see things for what it was. God is sufficient. He is powerful, He gives a grace we don’t deserve, and mercy on top of that. I could have drowned out in that sea due to my pride, and lack of wisdom. But my past does not dictate my future. Yesterday's mistakes do have consequences, but they do not write our story for today. The enemy did his best to discourage me while I was down and helpless, but God’s beautiful grace kept me afloat. Through the one person I treated wrong, He showed through her patience, mercy, and comfort. My eyes now produce the tears I desired to fall in the sea, but my body was at work.



Prior to coming to Spain, I prayed for God to humble me, and I thought he had in moderation, when I was asked to clean the bathrooms at my new church, when I had to share a one bedroom apartment with three other girls in peace, and when I had to ask for help on my homework. But He showed me today that this was only the beginning, the beginning of a new Tiana, Who is in Christ, the old is dead and gone, behold, all things are becoming new. (2 Corinthians 5:17)



God bless you,



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